Hi fellow writer. Shantal here. I’ve been on a temporary hiatus that is not exactly one that I planned for. Ever since the reality of the pandemic hit (and my family and I’s stressful experience with it), I’ve found myself needing time and space to process my thoughts and emotions, which included taking a break from my blog. Since its Mental Health Awareness Month, I feel that now would be a good time to talk about my experience.
This pandemic has truly forced me to commit to the journey inward. I had been, for few years now, lingering on the edge of it, but this situation kicked me right in like a mischievous child shoving their trembling sibling off the edge of their pool.
Losing Control and Trying to Regain It
During this time I have found myself dealing with higher levels of anxiety (on top of my other mental health struggles). As well as intrusive obsessive thoughts about my health, my family’s health and safety, death and the future of our civilization, which also affected my behavior.
I found myself doing compulsory things like excessive cleaning and washing my hands, excessively checking my heart rate and temperature, excessively worrying and avoiding any news or talk about the pandemic. I also experienced panic attacks just before I was falling asleep for two weeks straight, which began with what felt like my heart stopping, causing me to wake up with my heart racing, my breathing shallow and this overwhelming fear that I was dying. Then, physical pains developed, like stomach and esophagus pain that lasted for over a month and forced me to change the way I ate. Coronavirus felt like a boogieman that was out to get me.
What’s strange is that even with these bigger issues disrupting my ability to function, I was also still dealing with my everyday concerns: will I ever make this writing thing into a professional career, am I doing enough, will I ever get married, will I be able to travel to the cities I’ve longed to visit? Somehow I was still clinging to hope for the future, but I felt my dreams so far away, perhaps the furtherest I’ve felt them to be, and fear became the lens by which I viewed life.
Taking Care of Myself
Desperate to gain control, I was forced to reevaluate the way I’ve been looking at myself and life. I didn’t realize until now how scared I am of death, and how deeply I believed that I deserved misfortune and punishment for not taking more control of my life. That I was reacting to the uncertainty with fear, because I believed I wouldn’t be able to survive whatever came with the unknown.
I’ve spent these past two months unpacking those fears and beliefs through therapy and meditation. Meditation in particular has helped me practice taking space between myself, my thoughts and emotions. It’s also helped me to be more present and mindful. Some exposure therapy to curb the impulse to act on my compulsions has helped me reduce how many times I wash my hands in a day or how often I dwell on fearful thoughts about my health. I’ve also been strengthening my relationship with higher source that involves a lot of letting go and putting faith in the universe and myself.
Most importantly, I’ve been working on my self-talk by being empathetic and compassionate towards myself. I understand that what I’m experiencing is a result of a major stressful event, uncertainty and years of forged thinking patterns. So, I remind myself that I do have the choice to believe that good things can happen to me and that I can survive anything; that the outcome will be a positive one.
This is an Important Time
The truth is, everything is temporary, and humans are resilient because we are able to adapt to change. I have a sense that we are at a poignant place in time where we must make an important choice for the sake of our evolution. We see it all of the time in stories: it’s the impossible choice a character has to make when their stasis has been severely disrupted. It’s a call to action where evolution and change are waiting for them on the other side. If we don’t choose to embrace the journey then we risk growth. It begins with us. I encourage everyone to embrace the journey inward. It may be the hardest one yet, but it’s worth it. It’s worth it for the true you. The true us.
Fellow writer, how have you’ve been coping with your mental health during this public health crisis? I welcome you to share your experiences in the comments below.
Hi! Shantal here. I’m a writer and a storyteller. I created Shantal Writes to share my experiences with writing fiction. I also provide new writers with tips, tools, and writing advice. I hope you find something helpful while you’re here!
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